Far Away

Yogyakarta, 08^th August 2008.

I need a big plane to fill with our things.

I just need a big plane to make our dreams come true, the freak wishes when you told me “I’m looking at the night sky. It seems like usual. Awesome.”

I remember an insane plane. “Turn on our life in the other place, make light in Saturn, fly to Mars and see Jupiter’s red spot. And if we’re tired, let’s run to the black hole.

Hahahaha... It was seven years ago. But, I don’t know why you still remember our conversation like that.

You know... You’re the pain that I won’t give up.

And yeah! You may take our things somewhere, where nobody knows our name.

Let’s bring the iron, cement, bricks and our furniture to build and decorate our home. Let’s order light from the sun, order water from Titan, and watch a real movie by the stars. Let’s take that night when we wanna sleep, let’s put our dirty shoes on, and turn off the moonlight. Let’s walk and enjoy space. If a big meteor comes to our home, let’s break it! Beautiful, right?

***

I’m still waiting for an impossible thing that will never happen. I’m still looking at the night sky and imagining you were next to  me.

People told me like this, “If you want something you've never had, you have to do something you’ve never done.”

Life taught me like this, “Life must go on, with or without someone.” 

Once I asked someone, “Have you seen someone who laughs every day, but cries for a long time every night?” and he replied, “Yeah, It’s you.” And I realized, I can’t hide my sadness although I always say “I’m okay!”

I never know how to face my life when I'm alone. I fell lucky when I remember “I’m not alone. I have someone here. We want something to happen to us, and we must do something to make it happen.”

This’s just our little conversation that I was created, that you and I have made.

I felt so bored when I quit playing with my manuscript. I have no idea anymore. So I think I need to sleep. I need to hold something so it’ll never make me remember the past. I must be okay for everything that happened in my life. I do believe in God’s plans, these are the best.

When I turn off my net book, I see the beautiful night through my window, full of stars and unique constellations. The shining moon has been fading, but it isn’t making me disappointed.

“Ah, the stars.” I said while turning off my light.          

Suddenly, I see the phone lighting up. And I know who is calling me. I try to not care. But, I’m awake from my bastion. I should talk and listen.

“Hallo.” I’m arranging the words in my mind, hope can control my voice.

“Hai,” God... really. This is the most damn special sound that I’ve ever heard.

“Yeah, what’s up?” I don’t know, what I asked for.

“Nothing. I just wanna say goodnight.” And then I realized, drop by drop my tears were falling.

“I just wanna say goodnight.” He replied. And I open my mouth, “Yep. Goodnight.”

After that, I just let the sound of the telephone network fill our quiet.

“What are you doing? Not sleepy?” I’ve tried to make me believe that I’ll be okay. Her voice just one little thing that will be buried when I go to sleep.

“No. I’m still fresh for this one.”

“You know, what I'm doing, right now?” I hear a trembling sound from his voice. You aren't crying, right?

“I think... you’re okay.” I hope these words will be a lullaby for me, “I’m okay, you’re okay, we’re okay.”

“I’m looking... I’m looking for nobody in here.” I let my tears falling down. Second by second have rolled on, and I take breath for air.

“Remember, I never walk away.” I know, time changes everyone, time made a mistake, a good memory, a beautiful history, and time made me lose something that I never thought about.

I always remember. Remember and remember, how the past makes me so dizzy to walk and get to my future.

“I knew. You stayed here, you stayed for me. Do you still keep your walk? Didn’t you go?” just get the fucking moment when I hear his sentence. Am I still waiting for him? Can I do that?

“How about you and her? Feel better?” I try to change the topic. I’m tired, we're always telling our memories of the past. And I hate these, because I know, the best memories never happen for a second time, never can be repeat in a second chance.

“Do you hurt because of me?” and I believe, he’s crying right now.

“You always say okay, but I know you’re not.”

“You know... I’m still waiting every night, still looking at our stars at the sky, still dreaming about the past that will never end. You know what? You’re the pain that I won’t give up.”

I feel I’ve got ten slapped by the wind.

I have been loving with him and I’ve lost somebody who wasn’t even mine.

“Listen to me.” His voice is my drug, it makes me weak to hold my tears in.

“If in the future we don’t work out there’s something you need to know, you’re the most incredible person in the entire world, and you deserve someone who is so going to see your beauty inside and out, someone who will care for you and make you smile, even when you don’t feel like smiling. You deserve someone who is going to support you through good times and bad, but most of all, someone who makes you smile and understands you in a way that no one else ever could. That’s my wish for you, if we don’t work out.”

And then I hear, “You need to sleep, right? It’s so late. Goodnight.”

I open my lip, and let my mouth saying, “Ya, I need to sleep right now. Goodnight.”

Everything has gone.

***

I wish that I had never met you. Then there would be no need to impress you. No need to want you. No need for loving you. No need for crying over you. No need for heartbreaks. No need for pain or tears. No need for forgotten promises. No need for rejected hugs. No need for crying myself to sleep. No need for acting like you care. No need, for everything you’ve done to me feel like absolutely nothing.